Have you ever been in a conversation and suddenly felt yourself leave your own body?

You were doing fine a minute ago. Then somebody important walked into the room, or someone attractive sat across from you, or a person you wanted to impress asked what you thought. Suddenly, your normal voice disappeared. You started using words you had never used before.

But there you are, trying to sound intelligent, successful, funny, relaxed or whatever version of yourself you hope will earn the right reaction. You say something you hope sounds insightful, then you watch their face as if it were a scoreboard.

Did they smile? Did they nod? Did their eyes drift toward the door?

That tiny moment reveals something most of us do without noticing. We are not only trying to communicate. We are trying to manage what others think of us. We want them to see us a certain way, and that desire becomes a quiet form of control.

Alan Watts, the British-born writer and lecturer who helped popularize Eastern philosophy for Western readers, is often credited with a warning along these lines: when we try to control someone else, we can end up giving that person control over us.

Most of us do not think of ourselves as controlling people. We are not ordering anybody around. We are just hoping someone thinks we are smart. Or attractive. Or talented. Or easygoing. Or impressive. Or not as nervous as we feel.

There is nothing wrong with putting your best foot forward, trying to get the job, or trying to get the girl or guy.

The trouble begins when their reaction becomes your steering wheel.

If they laugh, you feel clever. If they look confused, you feel foolish.

If they compliment you, you walk out six inches taller.

If they barely respond, you replay the conversation for the next three hours, as if you’re investigating a crime scene.

At that point, who has the power?

You wanted to control how they saw you, but now their reaction controls how you feel. Their opinion, which may have nothing to do with you at all, becomes the judge of your worth.

They may not have asked for that authority. They may not even know they have it. They might have been tired, distracted, or hungry. Meanwhile, you have handed them the keys to your emotions.

If I only feel smart when someone nods, only feel attractive when someone reacts the right way, or only feel valuable when someone approves, then my power is temporarily on loan from them. That is a fragile place to keep your peace. One distracted glance, one unanswered text, one flat smile, and suddenly the confidence you felt a minute ago starts leaking out for reasons that may have nothing to do with you at all.

And the problem is that power can disappear instantly.

Think of how much energy we waste when we do this. We adjust our laugh. We soften an opinion we actually believe. We post something and then check for likes as if that can tell us whether we are on track.

None of this creates much real connection. It keeps us focused on managing the moment instead of actually being in it.

Real connection requires a different kind of courage. Not the courage to impress, but the courage to be present. To speak plainly without selling yourself, and let people misunderstand you without rushing to manage their minds.

This does not mean we should stop caring what people think. We should care about being kind, honest, respectful and considerate.

But there is a difference between caring about your character and trying to control your image.

Your character belongs to you. Your image lives in someone else’s mind.

Before you walk into the next meeting, date, dinner, interview or conversation, decide what you actually can control. You can control your honesty. You can control your effort. You can control your kindness.

You cannot control the little courtroom in another person’s head.

So stop handing it the gavel.

Be the best version of yourself you can be. Then let the reaction be theirs.

That is power no reaction can take from you.

• Toby Moore is a Shaw Local News Network columnist, star of the Emmy-nominated film “A Separate Peace” and CEO of CubeStream Inc. He can be reached at feedback@shawmedia.com.