After an extensive scientific study spanning an entire six-pack, I have come to an important linguistic discovery:
If you want to help a foreigner take the fast-track to learning American English, he can achieve fluency with a single phrase he can start using the moment he steps off the airplane and gazes at the skyline of his new home. And he can continue to use the phrase as an appropriate response to almost anything that happens to him.
And if you doubt the methodology of my science, check it out for yourself. Turn on your TV and watch for a few minutes. After all, that’s how I made the discovery.
Tune in to HGTV and watch as the kitchen is torn apart and refurbished with new appliances, counters, lighting, paint and all. It’s time for the reveal, when the homeowners are brought back in to see how it turned out, and: “OMG! It’s beautiful!”
Flip the channel. Some lunatic is speeding through LA streets, trying to avoid the cops. It doesn’t look like he’s going to slow down for that stop light before: “OMG! He crashed!”
Hit the button again. A group of bedraggled souls cower in the corner of a darkened farmhouse, trying to make it through the night. Suddenly there is the sound of a door being shattered from its hinges, and: “OMG! The zombies are here!”
On the food channel, it’s time to taste that recipe and sigh in bliss: “OMG!”
On ESPN, the freshman point guard comes off the bench to hit a game-winning 3-pointer at the buzzer: “OMG!”
On Animal Planet, the Detroit animal cops take a peek at the sickly dogs in the filthy kennel behind the house: “OMG!”
The plane hits the building; the hospital ultrasound reveals twin fetuses; a great white shark circles the boat: “OMG!”
OMG! It’s the Swiss-army knife of the linguistic world.
Of course, you won’t hear the letters O, M or G on TV. You’ll hear the words those letters stand for. You know the words I mean. If you don’t, ask your grandkids. They text it a thousand times a day.
I can’t say the words here, though. Oh, my editor would probably let them through, but then again, my editor isn’t my Mom.
See, in our house when I was growing up, the “OMG!” phrase was considered to be a mild blasphemy. If you said it, you were taking the Lord’s name in vain.
We weren’t a very religious family, but still, we had neighbors who were, and saying a phrase like that in front of them wouldn’t be very polite. Call it civility (don’t bother teaching that word to our new immigrant – you won’t hear it much these days), but Mom and Dad felt there was no point in offending folks with your language if you could find another way to say it.
As I said, we weren’t all that religious, but neither were we atheists. It wasn’t that God was banished from our house. We were free to mention His name when we said grace, though I must confess we rarely did that. Maybe on Christmas or Easter or Thanksgiving, but certainly not every day. Or we might call on Him during nightly prayers when we were little, though again, I must confess, we didn’t carry that tradition much past kindergarten.
But still, out of respect for the sensitivities of others who might take offense, we were expected to steer clear of “OMG!” And even when there weren’t any others nearby who might hear it, there was no point in letting a habit get started around the house. And so, if Mom was there to hear it, “Oh, my goodness!” would have to do. Or “Oh, my gosh!”
Of course, kids being kids, outside of Mom’s earshot, we might let a rousing “OMG!” slip in front of our friends. Or we might even let it rip with a “Holy” something-or-other.
But never when Mom was around to smack the sass off our lips.
Much later, when I met the woman who would become my wife and I learned she had been raised the same way, you might say it was an “OMG!” moment. (Well, YOU might say it. But only if your Mom allowed it.)
It used to be TV was a pretty good measuring stick for what was acceptable in language. After all, if Johnny Carson or Walter Cronkite couldn’t say it on the air, why should we think it was OK for us to say it?
I don’t know exactly when “OMG!” cracked the censors on TV. I’m pretty sure Marsha Brady never said anything saucier than “Oh, my goodness!” in response to the never-ending drama that was her life. I think I heard Mickey Rooney utter a shocking “Gee willikers!” once in a movie on TV. Harry Carey used to crow “Holy cow!” on the rare occasions the Cubs hit one out of the park.
But all that has changed. It probably started around the time that cable TV came into our homes, and before long a bunch of HBO words oozed over into the networks.
And so now, if you’re looking for a one-size-fits-all phrase for any occasion – one you can hear on any channel – it’s “OMG!”
I suppose I could have used the full phrase in this column, because Mom isn’t around anymore to take offense. Besides, I don’t even know if she would still feel the same way about it, because I don’t know if anybody is still offended by such a commonly heard phrase. People change. Sometimes even your Mom changes with the times.
Still, your Mom is always your Mom, isn’t she? And if you’re in doubt and she’s not around to ask, it’s best just to do what she told you.
Besides, there are thunderstorms in the forecast, and now that Mom is having brunch with the Big Guy on a daily basis, I’d hate for her to ask Him send me a lightning bolt, just as a civil reminder.
• Tom “T. R.” Kerth is a Sun City resident and retired English teacher from Park Ridge. He can be reached at trkerth@yahoo.com.