Hosey: Method to madness of selling Lysol on eBay

As if it wasn’t bad enough when the knuckleheads made a run on all the toilet paper, bottled water, potato chips and frozen pizza. But now we’re weeks into this and try finding a bottle of something to spray down your kitchen counter.

Where are you supposed to get a spray bottle of Formula 409, or better yet one of Lysol, or possibly Lysol with hydrogen peroxide, or best of all Lysol Power White & Shine Multi-Purpose Cleaner with Bleach?

Any coronavirus lurking on your kitchen counter wouldn’t stand a chance against a shot of Lysol Power White & Shine Multi-Purpose Cleaner with Bleach. There’s no way. But good luck getting your hands on some of it.

Are there stockpiles of spray bottles of multipurpose cleaner somewhere? Maybe in one of the numerous warehouses dotting the Will County landscape?

It’s not unlikely, as the stuff, the good stuff at least, is going for a premium.

Just look at eBay, where the other day the auction for a four-pack of 19-ounce bottles of spring waterfall scent Lysol disinfectant spray had reached $1,450 — plus $12.99 for expedited shipping — with more than an hour and a half still to go.

Maybe that was just an April Fool’s Day prank. But probably not, as eBay customer service confirmed that it was a legitimate auction.

To be fair, the seller, one hbradford66 of Normandy, Tennessee, listed the four cans of Lysol at just $20, which actually seems to be under market value. It wasn’t until nearly a full day and 83 bids later that it got up to $1,450, and by the time it was over sold for $1,575, which seems to be a little exorbitant.

But hey, this is America, so whatever the market will bear. And when the Lysol spring waterfall scented disinfecting spray — or any other Lysol spray for that matter — isn’t on the shelves anymore, what other option do you have than to turn to some unscrupulous eBay lowlife from Tennessee, of all places.

There are other options, of course, but none of them are any good. Options like maybe the French lavender method all-purpose cleaner that still happened to be in stock at Jewel despite these weeks of binge shopping and hoarding.

And maybe the reason method (spelled with an unassuming, lowercase m) remains available for purchase is that its branding maybe doesn’t inspire much in the way of confidence.

From reading the bottle, it seems the company that makes method all-purpose cleaner is focused primarily on environmental concerns instead of other matters, like killing off a deadly virus.

The message starts out forcefully enough, saying, “we help you put the hurt on dirt,” but then tapers off, and not just a little.

“grease + grime doesn’t stand a chance,” the bottle says, again with only mild-mannered, lowercase letters.

“not with powergreen® technology in your grasp,” it says on the bottle. “each squirt in all its lovely non-toxic glory, delivers a powerful, cleaning punch with naturally derived, biodegradable ingredients. cleaners made from corn + coconut break down dirt, leaving nothing behind but the pleasant scent of victory.”

That sounds lovely. The corn and the coconut, the nontoxic, naturally derived, biodegradable ingredients. But when you want to kill coronavirus, you can’t be worried about naturally derived, biodegradable corn and coconuts.

You need something toxic, something lethal. Like Lysol with peroxide. Or bleach. Or both. Which is probably why eBay had a 28-ounce bottle of lavender-scented method all-purpose cleaner on sale for the low, low price of $3.99 on the same day as the great Lysol heist of 2020, and no takers. There was another bottle of the same stuff optimistically listed at $4.50 with no bidders.

It looks like they can’t move the stuff at Jewel, where you don’t even pay for shipping, but you still have people trying to sell it on eBay. This character in Normandy, Tennessee must be dying of laughter, all the way to the bank.