Columns

Oliver: Sometimes the tie that binds goes beyond a double Windsor knot

Communication with Alzheimer’s disease in the mix becomes difficult, although not impossible

It goes without saying that Alzheimer’s disease can change the dynamic of the relationships it touches. As communication becomes more difficult, tensions and frustrations can mount.

In the case of my husband, Tony, his disease has robbed his once-expressive face of a lot of the cues I would read to determine his mood, his reaction and his thoughts.

Without being able to read Tony’s mind, I’m often unable to figure out quickly what is behind what appears to be a bad mood. When I ask if he is sad or angry, the answer – despite what the face is telling me – is no.

So what is a caregiver to do? Well, I ask a lot of questions. And I’m honest with Tony about what I’m seeing on his face. I remind him that Fred gives me incorrect information, so he needs to be patient with me as I ask him about how he is feeling.

I’m thankful that all the years before Fred and Alzheimer’s disease, Tony was honest and clear about many things. He was one who would say what he meant and mean what he said.

Tony always made it very clear that he cared about my feelings and hated to be the one who made me sad or angry. He also was quick to apologize, even if he wasn’t the cause of the unhappiness. I’ve always loved that about him.

I learned early on in our relationship that I needed to bring the same care. Back in the beginning, I was a bit of a drama queen. I remember one incident when we were dating when I melodramatically told him to leave my apartment, thinking that he would continue arguing with me.

Tony just left and drove off in his truck. Dumbstruck, I started to seriously worry that he wouldn’t come back. Of course, he did. However, from that day forward, I learned to not trifle with this honest man’s feelings. Happily, he learned to overlook my lingering tendency toward melodrama.

Fred, though, has added a degree of difficulty to these domestic interactions. Tony can get frustrated with his own inability to do what he used to do. Sometimes I am the recipient of that frustration.

For instance, he has been having increasing difficulty in tying his tie as he gets ready for our congregation’s Zoom meetings. Some days he does just fine. Other days he gets easily frustrated.

Now, I’ve been known to be able to tie a tie. However, it’s been awhile. He also likes a double Windsor knot, which is a little beyond my skill level. I’ve been trying to watch him closely when he’s on his game so that I can learn.

The other morning he was having a rough time. I stepped in to try, but for one reason or another, I was struggling. This clearly was making Tony frustrated, and I was getting frustrated too.

I managed something in the neighborhood of the knot, but I could tell neither one of us was going to benefit from my continuing. I think he could tell that I wasn’t pleased, particularly after I reminded him that I was just trying to help.

Awhile later, he found me in the kitchen and he had a pleading look in his eyes. Despite his inability to utter the words “I’m sorry,” the sentiment was written all over his face. Even Fred couldn’t block that message from getting across.

I told him that it was OK. I know that his Alzheimer’s disease frustrates him; it frustrates me, too. I also promised him that I would look up how to tie that double Windsor so that we wouldn’t have to go through that again. Imagine how happy I was to see his smile return.

Deep down, he’s still the Tony I know and love.

We’re going to get through this as best we can. Will there be days when the frustration boils over? Sure. Will I misread something and make it worse with my own reaction? Probably.

However, if we do our best to keep trying to communicate honestly, even when it’s hard, I think we’re going to be OK.

After all, he’s still my best friend. Fred can’t change that.

Joan Oliver is the former Northwest Herald assistant news editor. She has been associated with the Northwest Herald since 1990. She can be reached at jolivercolumn@gmail.com.

Joan Oliver

Joan Oliver

A 30-year newspaper veteran who has been a copy editor, front-page editor, presentation editor, assistant news editor and publication editor, as well as a columnist and host of an online newspaper newscast.