Columns

Oliver: Life with Alzheimer’s can feel like constant game of finding hidden objects

Most days require spending substantial time looking for items that have gone missing

I used to describe living with my mother like being in a funhouse.

Her vascular dementia altered her reality so that she saw things that weren’t there, saw things in a distorted way and often felt discombobulated. Her altered reality became the reality I had to navigate.

Since my mother and I had communication problems even before the onset of her dementia, our relationship hinged on her mood and whether I was able to stay calm and patient.

These days, I would describe living with my husband and his early onset Alzheimer’s disease as being stuck in one of those elaborate puzzles where you have to find hidden objects. There’s so much to look at that it’s hard to focus, much less track down anything.

Tony’s disease after almost six years has entered the middle stage. In the early stage, he could take care of himself. We could discuss things, and he was able to tell me when he needed something.

As things have progressed, he has been ceding more and more control to me for just about everything. That includes what he wears each day, what he eats and even what he watches on TV.

However, the Alzheimer’s disease, which we have named “Fred,” does assert itself many times a day.

If I leave Tony alone to put on the outfit that I’ve laid out for him, he will surprise me by failing to put on one or more items. If I ask him what was wrong with a particular shirt, he gives me a blank look. Sometimes it has been put away and sometimes it’s sitting somewhere near his closet, as if he laid it down and walked away.

However, he’s particular about his footwear, which he changes multiple times a day. The only problem is that he won’t put the pair that he’s removing back in their place and then gets upset when he can’t find it later. Guess who has to find it?

Fred likes to hide things all over the house. If I had a nickel for every time I had to track down a missing pair of socks, well, you get the picture. The latest place I found a pair was in a garbage can. They’ve been behind pillows, in pillowcases, in shoes, under blankets, in baskets and anywhere else Fred decides to put them. Just when I think I know all the hiding places, he’ll find another one.

Most of the time, I just take a deep breath and reassure Tony that everything will be fine and the missing object will be found.

Fred also likes to “fix” things that he believes I haven’t put in the right place. So I’m forever seeing evidence of towels being moved, items being put in places they don’t go and items winding up in the garbage that don’t belong there. I’d swear we have gremlins in the house, but I know that it’s just Fred.

I do my best not to get upset at things, but there have been moments.

Fred/Tony loves cookies. Recently, I bought some higher-end bakery cookies as a treat. In one sitting, Fred ate all but the one I had with lunch the day that I bought them. Another time, I left for 15 minutes and came back to see that Fred had devoured 10 cookies. He was still chewing as I returned.

Sadly, I’ve had to resort to a tactic that I absolutely hated when I was a child. My mother thought she was being smart by hiding things she didn’t want us to eat. Mind you, my brother and I would never have tried to eat something we weren’t allowed to have; my mother wasn’t to be trifled with. So it always bothered me that she felt the need to resort to hiding things.

Now I find myself hiding things from Fred. I’m not proud of it, but we do what we must.

Then again, when you live in a puzzle where you have to find hidden objects all the time, maybe it’s not all that surprising.

Here’s hoping Fred isn’t as good at finding things as he is at hiding things. At least then I’ll stand a fighting chance.

Joan Oliver is the former Northwest Herald assistant news editor. She has been associated with the Northwest Herald since 1990. She can be reached at jolivercolumn@gmail.com.

Joan Oliver

Joan Oliver

A 30-year newspaper veteran who has been a copy editor, front-page editor, presentation editor, assistant news editor and publication editor, as well as a columnist and host of an online newspaper newscast.