For pretty much my entire life, I have been driven by a couple common questions.
Why am I here? What is it I am here to do?
If you spend enough time contemplating these mysteries, it can be easy to get tangled up in a web of confusion, especially if you are thinking in concrete terms.
Am I supposed to do this? What about that? No, I think I’m really supposed to go in this direction …
Over the years, these questions have elicited some fleeting answers, even as I have busied myself doing other things.
Ironically, it is often in looking back over our lives where we see a golden thread woven through our unfolding experiences. We can see how our seemingly random life experiences and encounters have pointed to a common theme.
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It is now 10:25 a.m. on Friday morning, roughly three hours past the time I usually begin writing my weekly reflections.
As I transition from single life to married life, to splitting my dog Zeke’s time with us and with my mom (“Grandma”) and the accompanying stress that creates, I have found myself in a fog this week. I personally attribute some of that fogginess to the full moon too, but that’s a whole other topic.
Bottom line, I am feeling scatterbrained, so it has been difficult for me to sit in my chair and feel comfortable beginning to write whatever needs to be written this week.
I am confident this mental fog will lift as we all settle into more of a routine, and adapt to our new way of life.
Just before finally beginning this ramble, I decided to walk away from my laptop, to go in the living room, open up my journal, and doodle with my colored markers. I had been in the habit of doing this daily, but this practice has been lost in the post-wedding shuffle.
After a few minutes of drawing stream-of-consciousness squiggly lines and flourishes, the words “Do what you have to do” showed up a few times on the page.
I knew that was my cue to get up and start writing. I had something off of which to springboard.
What do I have to do?
When I boil my life down to its basic element, what do I HAVE to do?
Or, put another way: How am I to be in this world?
It has taken many years of seeking to find out my purpose is just to be who I already am.
This might sound a little bit “woo,” but the answer to why I am here is already inside of me.
It is in my personality and temperament; my interests, my strengths, my talents, my hobbies; the kinds of books I like to read, the music, movies and television programs I am drawn to; the foods I enjoy; the décor to which I am attracted.
All of these elements and more, bundled together in the unique conglomeration of cells and consciousness that compose me, are who I am and why I am here.
I am here to be me, to share my completely unique and unrepeatable soul with whomever I encounter, whether it is in person, or through written means.
On a more practical level, doing what I have to do means for me the need to create. The need to live a spiritual existence, grounded in the here and now. The need to inspire with my words, colors and images.
My life makes the most sense to me when I am doing one of two things: being creative and just being – spending time in prayer and contemplation.
When I am alchemizing my life and soul into Beauty through creativity and spirituality – that is when I am fully alive and achieving the end for which I was sent.
That is when I am who I am.
Spirit Matters is a weekly column that examines experiences common to the human spirit. Contact Jerrilyn Zavada Novak at jzblue33@yahoo.com to share how you engage your spirit in your life and community.