Colbert: My experience at the Boston Marathon

As promised, here is my take on participating in the 130th Boston Marathon.

My goal was to soak in the experience and finish in about four hours. Mission accomplished on both accounts, with a time of 4:00.34 and enjoyment found in every step of the way.

Of the roughly 30,000 runners, I finished in 21,652nd place, far behind the course record time of 2:01.52 by John Korir of (surprise, surprise) Kenya, but in the middle of the pack for 65-69 year old males.

I managed to run non-stop for the full 26.2 miles, as did most everyone else I saw on the course.

Earlier in the week, Nike had a billboard up in Boston that said. “Runners Welcome, Walkers Tolerated”. That is really the case, as this marathon is more than a quaint recreational activity, as evidenced by 98% of the entrants finishing.

However, public outcry over the insensitivity towards walkers led Nike to take the sign down, lest they suffer any more public relations fallout. C’mon people. If your feelings were hurt, that’s on you.

Speaking of signs, spectators lining the route had plenty of humorous ones, such as – The Kenyans are Already Done, Worst Parade Ever, Seems like a lot of Effort for a Banana, Pick a Cute Butt and Follow it, etc.

The political ones I could do without.

The best part of the race had to be the enthusiasm shown by crowds lining the course. Held on the third Monday in April because it is a state holiday known as Patriots Day, it is one huge party for everyone with a day off from school or work.

Another reason the marathon is held on a non-school day is that probably every school bus in the greater Boston area is used to transport the runners to the starting line in Hopkinton, 26 miles away from where we finish in downtown Boston.

Imagine trying to get so many runners from Boston to the start line. For as well as race organizers do on every other detail, the bus boarding was a fiasco.

As near as I could figure out, the system broke down early and never recovered, creating long lines going nowhere. However, due to technology there was a silver lining.

Even though many would be late to the starting line, your official time doesn’t begin until you cross the start line onto the course, as each of our bibs had a computer-timing chip in them.

Still, much anxiety was felt by thousands of runners who had spent months preparing for the most prestigious of all marathons, an experience that some have called life-changing.

My only concern about starting late was making sure I finished in time to get to the airport and catch my flight back to O’Hare that evening.

Eventually, I boarded a bus and joined the procession of hundreds of other school buses headed out of town. Sitting next to a fellow senior citizen, our conversation centered more about real estate than running.

I did learn that a house he is building in Hawaii is costing 30 times as much per square foot as the $50 I paid for new construction in 1990. If I were him, I’d be more worried about that than arriving late to the marathon start line.

Mindful of the carnage from the 2013 marathon bombing, law enforcement was everywhere. Additionally, city vehicles blocked each side street leading into the marathon route.

While thankful for the security measures, it is a shame the marathon has become such a complicated affair to put on. There were also barriers in public areas to prevent people from crossing streets or entering the course.

Gotta admit, it felt special to have so much attention doted upon us. Whether it was Hopkinton, Ashland, Framingham, Natick, Wellesley, Newton, Brookline and finally, Boston, all these towns along the route gave us their undivided attention.

Maybe it’s something they inherited from their ancestors from Paul Revere’s midnight ride into the countryside.

The marathon is notoriously known for its Heartbreak Hill, a few miles from the finish. But, it’s only a half-mile in length and 90 feet in elevation gain, paling in comparison to, say, running up Kennedy Hill Road by Byron.

My training around Ogle County trails and country roads prepared me for anything Boston could throw at me. However, upon finishing, my legs were like Jell-O, more of a byproduct of being an old codger, not because of hill climbing.

I wanted to sit down in one of the wheelchairs at the finish, but was told if I did, a medical assessment would have to be done. I get that. They need to keep runners funneling through or else a huge backup at the finish area would occur.

Race organizers did let Bill and Hillary Clinton into the finish area to welcome their daughter, Chelsea, who ran 3:40 in her first Boston marathon. Besides Chelsea beating me, I noticed a woman five months pregnant also beat me by the same amount.

I did beat Bryan Arenales, last summer’s co-winner of “Love Island USA”, by a few minutes. Just something to think about for all you single women.

On a more serious side note: It was the London Marathon stealing the headlines from Boston a few days later with Sawe Sabastian becoming the first marathon runner to ever go under two hours, with a winning time of 1:59.30. Yes, also from Kenya, though an Ethiopian was close behind at 1:59.41.