Spirit Matters: Waking up like Rip Van Winkle

Anyone ever feel like Rip Van Winkle, the literary character who fell asleep for 20 years, and woke up to everything around him having changed?

I experienced something like that this week.

A former co-worker came to mind, so I “googled” her name to see if I could find where she is now. I haven’t seen or heard from her in 17 years, and I always wondered where she was at, and what she was doing.

I worked with her in the Bloomington-Normal area, so I figured she was probably still there.

Turns out, she has retired and moved to another state.

Which only makes sense. She is in her 70s.

Still, in my mind, she had been living basically the same existence as when I knew her all those years ago.

And, this thought process applies to other people I have known too. Strange to find out people are not exactly how you remember they were 25 years ago. And, why should they be?

In my case, “falling asleep” has meant being on various medications for anxiety and depression. As helpful as they can be for the purpose they are given, if one is not on the right combination, or is on too much, our memories and perception can be affected.

As I have weaned off of many of my medications, and engaged in counseling, I have noticed more clarity has returned to my thought process. Memories that have been stored out of reach, somewhere in my heart and brain for all those years have mercifully re-emerged.

For anyone who has ever experienced something similar, this is a beautiful thing.

To begin to remember who you were, and who you are. And to experience who you are becoming.

It is important to note even while part of my brain has been “asleep” to some extent, my life has carried on, as well. Those same people who knew me back then, would no doubt be surprised to hear how my life has evolved.

I have accomplished a great deal during that time, moving beyond my comfort zone in ways I never imagined possible.

This weekly column that reflects on those experiences common to the human spirit, is a good example. Pre-illness experience Jerrilyn was afraid to write an anonymous review on Amazon; so afraid was she of expressing her opinion and risking pushback.

But, not long after I began treatment for depression and anxiety, I met a new friend and shared with him my lifelong dream to be a writer. He encouraged me to apply for The Write Team in The Times Newspaper, and I was accepted. That was in 2005. I followed up with a second round in 2006.

Within a few years, I was a staff writer at The Times, where I worked for nearly nine years, learning to move beyond a lifetime of discomfort of approaching strangers and (gasp!) actually talking to them. During that time, I wrote news and feature articles on various issues.

As a side note, I did get “pushback” occasionally in the form of social media comments on my work. It stung, but I carried on. Much of my ability to do this was nurtured by encouraging and supportive colleagues and readers.

I have evolved tremendously in other areas of my life as well, that no one, especially me, could have foreseen.

I have mourned what my life could have been, had I not been sidetracked by this long, winding journey of living with and through anxiety and depression.

Turns out, it hasn’t been a waste of time at all. If anything, it has nourished my soul with the humility of living day by day, moment to moment. And learning to surrender to the tremendous grace and power of the holy Spirit moving and flowing through my life.

And, now, writing about my experiences and observations of life on this planet with the rest of you, hoping somehow, someway, we can make a lasting connection through our shared, but unique experiences of darkness, unknowing, and extended sleep.

  • SPIRIT MATTERS is a weekly column that examines experiences common to the human spirit. Contact Jerrilyn Zavada at jzblue33@yahoo.com to share how you engage your spirit in your life and community.