Write Team: If your mom is still around, cherish your time with her

It’s hard to believe that Sunday will be the seventh Mother’s Day since my mom moved back in with my dad in heaven. They were married 65 years and were every bit in love all 65 of those years as they were when they met in college.

My dad had cancer and knew he wasn’t going to outlive my mom. The pain he felt from that realization was immeasurable. So, the last time I saw him, I wanted to let him know it was okay for him to go and promised him I would take care of mom. I wasn’t able to piece together the relevance of my promise with the little grin on his face until a couple of years later when I realized that sweet expression meant that I had no idea what I was getting myself into.

My relationship with my mom completely changed after my dad passed away in 2013. He was her rock. He was her protector. He was the one she could talk anything out with and would fully understand what her fears were and why she had those fears. When, I stepped in after his death, I was completely ignorant as to how steep that learning curve was going to be.

Only a year before my dad died, they were still living in their home of 33 years in South Barrington, Illinois. But my dad realized that he could no longer take care of a 3,500 square foot house and made the decision to move into a senior living facility not far away in Schaumburg. He had taken care of step one to make sure my mom had a place to live where she would be cared for.

My mom had been able to hide from everyone but my dad, that there were changes going on in her life. When you only see someone every couple of weeks you may not notice the subtle changes in behavior, but my dad did.

And those changes were brought on by dementia.

According to the National Dementia Association, dementia is a general term used for a decline in mental ability severe enough to interfere with daily life. It’s not a single disease, but rather a group of conditions that cause damage to brain cells, affecting thinking, memory, reasoning, personality, and behavior. Alzheimer’s disease is the most common cause of dementia.

I so wish I knew back then what dementia looked like. If I had, I would have treated my mom completely differently. I know I did everything I could humanly do for her, so I don’t have any guilt. What I do have are regrets.

I regret that I got mad at her for asking me to get her for more cinnamon raisin bread, knowing she had six loaves in her freezer.

I regret that I got mad at her when she wanted to take 20 minutes to just look around The Jewel on one of our outings.

I came across a list of things I should have done, that I didn’t. Instead of arguing with her about stupid things, I should have just agreed. What would have been the harm? When she forgot things, I should have never made her feel bad about forgetting. When she retreated into memories that never happened, I should have reminisced with her.

I never thought I would miss my mom as much as I do but man, was I wrong. So, if yours is still around, hug her, kiss her and if she says the world is flat, smile and agree with her. She may not be here next year.

Jonathan Freeburg is an Ottawa transplant for the past two decades-plus and a regular contributor to 1430 WCMY Radio. He can be reached at newsroom@shawmedia.com.