Amboy mom shares her struggle against addiction

AMBOY – “I’m proud of you, Mom.”

That’s something Kelly Payne never thought she would hear her oldest daughter say.

The 34-year-old Amboy mother of four has been battling alcohol addiction the past decade or so – most of their lives.

Now, more than 60 days past her latest effort at rehab, Payne knows that her struggle is not over.

She wants to tell her story not only to help others in a similar situation, but also to hold herself accountable.

Growing up, Payne had some struggles, but nothing she thought was too serious. Her father died when she was 3, but her mother, Sandy Morrissey, 61, of Dixon, married Dennis Donna, 62, of Dixon a few years later.

She played basketball at Newman Central Catholic High School and at Sauk Valley Community College, where she tore her ACL and ended her playing career.

She started to drink heavily after that, but then again, that was just typical college student behavior, she told herself.

She met her husband, Scott, 27, in 2005 at a softball tournament in Amboy; they married in 2006. They had their first child 2 years later – Peyton now is 9 – and that’s when the addiction really started.

Postpartum problems

Although she never was diagnosed with postpartum depression, Payne thinks that might have been a big factor in her addiction. She was constantly worrying that she would lose her daughter.

“I wasn’t totally diagnosed with it, but now that we look back at everything, that’s when I was drinking all the time,” Payne said. “Everything worried me, I was scared of everything.”

At her worst, she would drink a pint to a pint and a half of her alcohol of choice, Captain Morgan rum, at a time.

From then on, she was in and out of rehab, and had three more children: Brynleigh, 6; Thomas, 4; and Paisley, 10 months.

After Paisley’s birth, her addiction got even worse. She would use every excuse in the book to justify it to herself, and even got to the point where she was drinking even though she didn’t want to. She couldn’t stop herself.

“Realistically it was just, I’m an alcoholic and that’s what I did. It’s a scary deal.”

In February, she was supposed to attend a school dance with her daughters; she got drunk instead. She felt so bad for letting them down that the next day she took off for rehab in Florida.

This time, though, she wasn’t just detoxing from alcohol, she also had become addicted to Ativan, which she was taking for anxiety.

She spent the first weekend in tears, dealing with the cold sweats, shakes and terrible thoughts. She wanted to leave, but “I knew it was time that I had to do it. I had to stop.”

For the very first time, she did the full 28 days. She took classes, went to meetings, worked out and spent time getting to know more than 100 other addicts and their stories.

“It was the greatest experience ever,” Payne said. “I learned a lot about myself.”

Now back at home, she continues to work out to stay on track. She spends time with her children, who keep her busy with after-school sports, and is trying to find a part-time job.

Her weakness is being alone, so she now has a list of people to call when she knows she is going to be in the house by herself.

Once her children get older, she hopes to get back into coaching basketball.

“I have to stay busy,” Payne said. “I have to just do what I love to do. I wasn’t taking care of me because I had kids. I didn’t think I was important, but I need to do things that I like to do.”

It might sound trivial, but her family are huge Chicago Cubs fans, and one of her biggest goals is to go to Wrigley Field – sober.

The level of support she has received from family and friends has truly amazed her, especially from her husband. She never knew how much people really cared about her.

Support has come from the social media world, as well.

She first shared her story with her Facebook friends, and later learned that doing so has some of them turn their lives around.

“It helps knowing that if I do pick up a drink, I’d disappoint so many people,” Payne said.

She hopes to educate her children on the effects of alcoholism, especially since the disease runs in the family. Both of her grandfathers and her uncle struggled with alcohol addiction.

“I just want them to know, I mean I’ll tell them as much as I can without scaring them, making it ugly, but enough where they know, ‘Hey, this could happen to you.’”

Although she has made huge strides in her recovery, she still has a long way to go. She’s been more than 60 days sober before, and still relapsed, but something about this time is different.

“I’m not saying I’m never going to have a drink again, because I can’t say that,” Payne said. “Do I hope I don’t? Yes. But it’s up to me and by the grace of God, whatever he decides.”

Not being able to drink doesn’t deter her from socializing, and seeing drunk people helps her remember she doesn’t want to be like that ever again.

Her advice for those struggling as she does?

“Put yourself first, ask for help, reach out. If me telling this can help anybody, I’ll be happy.”

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