‘Fun with Dick and Jane’ characters evolve into Aiden and Emma

I hated Dick and Jane. For those who don’t remember, they were the title characters in our early school books. Their stories featured a nuclear family: Mother, Father, Dick, Jane and Sally, plus Spot, the dog, and Puff, the cat. They had no last name.

Father went to work. Mother stayed home. The children had fun all the time.

I was an only child. My father died when I was 4. My mother was bipolar. I had four pessimistic aunts and a set of neurotic grandparents who, nevertheless, did an innovative job of raising me. Still, no one I knew or read about had a family like mine. That bothered me. However, my story was too complicated to be in a primer.

Dick and Jane’s stories were simple: See Dick. See Jane. See Spot run.

My own pages would have included: Hear four aunts argue. Hear Grandpa tell them to shut up. See Grandma give Grandpa the finger.

Thankfully, today’s books take all kinds of families into consideration. I Googled books for children whose parents are divorced. Up came 18,000 sites.

That was too much to look at, but after eyeing a few pages from the old Dick and Jane series, I wondered how those could be brought up to date to match today’s childhood issues, including divorce.

I picture the Dick of my youthful book as about 8 years old, so his name today would be Aiden. Sentences describing Aiden might include: See Aiden. He is playing Dead Space 2 on his Xbox. He should not be doing that. See someone take it away from him. Hear Aiden scream.

Jane of old would now be an Emma. She is 6. In the new version, we might find this: See Emma. She is text messaging her boyfriend. See an adult come in the room. See Emma turn off her iPhone. Hear Emma say she was just watching “Frozen.”

Sally would now be Ava. In today’s version, Ava has several sentences describing her life: See Ava. She is 3. See her go to gymnastics. See her jump. Oops, see her fall. Hear her teacher say, “Ava, your fall was perfect.” See the teacher give Ava a medal for falling.

Dogs and cats are no longer Spot and Puff. They have people names. In the new version, we’ll read: See Lola run. See Izzy climb. See Dexter leave a little surprise on the rug.

Of course we must not forget Mother and Father, now known as Mom and Dad or, maybe, in some families, as Jennifer or as Mike, the stepmother or stepfather.

See Mike now live with Mom. See Dad rent a small apartment. See Dad buy the kids stuff they don’t need. See Dad and Mike try to be civil to one another.

No story is complete without Mom. Hear her say: “Get ready kids! I’m late for work! What do you mean you left that at your dad’s?” Hear her mumble [blank] as she cleans up after Dexter, the politically correct rescue dog that Dad got the kids as a bribe.

See Mom take Xanax.

See the original Dick, Jane and Sally. They are now grandparents. See how they and their respective spouses have moved to Boca Raton to avoid winter weather. Hear them having fun. All the time.

See me live here in the Midwest. I still hate them.

Judi Veoukas, an award-winning columnist, writes from her home in Lake County. Contact her at editorial@lakecountysuburbanlife.com.