I was officially the proud new owner of two As-Seen-On-TV products, though I purchased neither from TV.
I purchased one at Bed Bath & Beyond with a gift card (because, had I not had free money, I would not have purchased this product), and the other at Costco. Who knew they sold infomercial products?
The first, which my dad says could be useful for transporting stuff to college but I'm pretty sure he just wanted to play with them, were Space Bags.
After showing these apparently complicated contraptions to the rest of my family, I had to explain to my mom that you do not need to have a "reverse setting" on the vacuum for air to be removed from the Space Bags; the regular setting works just fine.
Then, I had to explain to my brother that the small warning sign in the corner of the bag does not mean "Don't cut your leg off" – who thinks a graphic of a baby looks like a leg? – but that you shouldn't put children into it (though the notion that anybody needs to be reminded not to put their child into a small plastic bag and suck all the air out of it is beyond disturbing).
After several full minutes spent in awe at the sheer intelligence of my family members, I set to work.
I gathered the three blankets in our family room and, seeing a little more space in the bag, I grabbed a sweatshirt off a chair in the kitchen and stuffed it in there, too, making sure I distributed everything equally.
I found the vacuum, plugged it in and (again, on the regular setting), watched as the blankets and sweatshirt began to shrink.
Now, to be fair, the Space Bags did work, but only if you purchase them with the idea that the contents of your bag will shrink by only 30 percent.
Also, they do not shrink into nice, flat packages that can be slid anywhere from under your bed to into the crack behind your dresser. They shrink into not-much-smaller, lumpy, bumpy squares that are uneven and do not fit under or into anything.
I was more than disappointed.
But luckily, that was not my only wonderful purchase of the day. I also bought SmoothAway, the wondrous wonder for all women, which is supposed to remove any and all hair you wish to be gone with a simple brush against your skin.
Do not be fooled.
After sliding it across my shin several times and feeling no difference, I soon learned that "rubbing gently" actually means "scrubbing furiously" until it actually removes your skin.
In the five minutes it took to remove exactly five hairs, my arm muscles had grown to the size of Hulk Hogan's from the effort.
Needless to say, I gave up.
However, my SmoothAway journey was unfortunately far from over.
For the rest of the afternoon, that small part of my leg felt extremely uncomfortable. This uncomfortable feeling eventually turned into itching.
When I went to the movies that night, I tried to scratch it away through my jeans so I could actually enjoy myself. And then, several minutes after the itching had subsided, it began to sting like you wouldn't believe.
When the movie ended and I could finally see it when I pulled up my pant leg, my skin was gone. I don't know what happened, but there was definitely something sinister about SmoothAway.
It has been two weeks since that day, and my shin now has a nice, long scar right down the front.
SmoothAway has been thrown into the garbage, and my Space Bags are in a heap in the empty room at the front of our house we pretend is a library, but actually is just full of all my college junk.
I was promised a roomy, clutter-free closet and never having to shave again. I am left with drawers and a closet that are still overflowing with clothes, having to shave unless I want to wear jeans in August, and the lingering question of how you would ever even begin to cut your leg off with a Space Bag. And I'm out $30.
Who knew you couldn't believe everything you see on TV?
• Mel Mazuc is a recent graduate of Kaneland High School and lifelong resident of Elburn and Maple Park. In the fall, she will study journalism at the University of Missouri. You can write to her at editorial@kcchronicle.com