Columns

Oliver: Talking about our struggles may help to end mental health stigma

Part of improving one’s self-care is knowing that it’s OK not to be OK

May is Mental Health Awareness Month, and in honor of that, let’s have some real talk.

These are challenging times, and a lot of us are having a hard time. If you are in that group, you are not alone.

It’s OK not to be OK. That’s one of the messages the National Alliance on Mental Illness would like to convey this month.

I had to learn that lesson the hard way. When I was in junior high, I was the victim of relentless bullying. I didn’t wear the right clothes, my parents were school bus drivers, I had crooked teeth. All of that seems ridiculous to me now, but at the time, it fueled the self-loathing I was feeling.

More than once, I thought about ending my life. I didn’t see a way past the pain I was feeling day after day after day. School was no longer my refuge, but a place I dreaded to go.

My teachers saw that something wasn’t right. To me, the solution was obvious: make the bullying stop. So it was puzzling and distressing to me when I was sent into counseling. This bullying wasn’t my fault, right?

Of course, it wasn’t. What I didn’t realize at the time was that the trauma of being picked on non-stop was taking a toll on my psyche. The counseling was meant to build up what my tormentors – and me – had been tearing down: my self-esteem.

When my father died when I was 19 years old, I decided I would handle the grief by pushing it down. This strategy led to me becoming angry at the world. I didn’t want anyone’s pity. That just pushed people away.

When about a year later, a pledge at my sorority was murdered, I knew I needed help. I felt my world crashing down around me. I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t eat. I felt an enormous weight that seemed to make it hard to breathe.

I thought I was doing the right thing when I went to a university official who had offered to help. Unfortunately, what she told me was that I was just experiencing “normal” grief and that I’d be fine. Except that I wasn’t fine. Still, I just pushed it all down again and got on with my life.

The funny thing about trauma is that it often comes back when you least expect it.

Mine came roaring back after the Sept. 11 terrorist attacks. As a member of the copy desk, I would see image after disturbing image from the World Trade Center. A TV right by my desk blared and showed footage of the Twin Towers coming down over and over again.

Meanwhile, story after story told heartbreaking details about those who had died. It was more than I could handle. The loss of my father and my friend at school added to the grief I felt at the loss of so many lives in the attacks. It became overwhelming.

I knew I needed to get help again when I had a post-traumatic stress incident about a month after the attacks. The news of another plane crash caused me to start shaking and crying at work.

Thankfully, we had an employee assistance program at the paper, and I was able to talk through all of the grief I was feeling. I also learned a lot about how to better cope with loss.

That came in handy when I lost my mother in April 2018. This came after my husband was diagnosed with early onset Alzheimer’s disease in 2015.

When I was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2019, I knew it was time to talk to someone again. My father had died of cancer. My oldest brother was dealing with cancer. I had a lot going on.

Talking it all through made it easier to bear. For me, getting counseling is no different than going to the chiropractor. When I need an adjustment, I get help.

I don’t think anyone expects me to apologize for getting breast cancer and needing to be treated. Likewise, people shouldn’t have to apologize for admitting that sometimes they need help to cope with life.

The more we talk about our own struggles, we can help to end the stigma attached to getting help.

I know that it’s OK not to be OK. My hope is that you know that, too.

Joan Oliver is the former Northwest Herald assistant news editor. She has been associated with the Northwest Herald since 1990. She can be reached at jolivercolumn@gmail.com.

Joan Oliver

Joan Oliver

A 30-year newspaper veteran who has been a copy editor, front-page editor, presentation editor, assistant news editor and publication editor, as well as a columnist and host of an online newspaper newscast.