How do you know someone loves you?
When do you feel loved and appreciated, without hearing those three little words that can easily turn into a cliché?
Author Gary Chapman says each of us has a particular way of feeling someone really cares for us, whether that be a partner, spouse, family member or friend.
He expands upon this theory in his classic relationship book, “The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to your Mate.”
These love languages are: words of affirmation; acts of service; gifts; quality time and physical touch.
Some will feel loved when others perform acts of service toward them, while others feel loved when people speak encouraging and kind words to them. Still others need physical touch to be reassured of the other’s feelings. This physical touch does not have to be sexual. It could just be a simple reassuring touch on the shoulder or a heart-felt hug that speaks volumes.
All of us respond to all of the love languages to varying degrees. But we each have one or two that resonate more than the others.
Knowing your own love language, and the language of your partner or close friends and family can greatly strengthen the bonds between you.
To illustrate, my primary love language is words of affirmation.
I respond to the others as well, but most feel needed, valued, honored and cared for, when others speak kindly to or about me, about those unique aspects of my character and my way of being in the world.
If I go for long stretches without hearing positive feedback from others on anything – or, for that matter, regularly hearing criticism, rather than encouragement – I begin to internally question whether I am loved.
Some people close to me have described me as “needy” because of this. When they use this word, they are not affirming me, but criticizing the very way I know I am loved and cared for. Certainly not a good way to strengthen a bond.
It is likely those who have described me this way have different love language preferences, and don’t understand some people need these affirming words to thrive, just as they might need quality time, or gifts, or physical touch or acts of service to thrive. None of the languages are better or worse than the others. They are just different.
In a similar way, I tend to express my love and concern for others primarily through words of affirmation, although I do also use all of the other love languages, as well.
Every member of a household might have a different love language, but if those members don’t know each other’s love language, and how to express it, conflict, misunderstanding and misery can easily arise.
Many of us who spend any amount of time on social media, or watching or reading the news grieve at how quickly social discourse has imploded. Even those who don’t actively spread anger and vitriol are not unaffected by the what they see and hear. We wonder if there is any way of ever recovering basic respect and consideration for others.
There is, but like most things in life, it takes a considerate, grassroots effort between one human being and another.
First, it takes recognizing that we all speak a different language when it comes to expressing and receiving love.
Then it involves actually learning what each other’s love language is, and seeking to provide that experience through whatever means we are able.
And if none of this makes sense to you, Saint Paul’s exposition on the qualities of love in 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 should suffice.
To find out your love language, go to this link: https://5lovelanguages.com/quizzes/love-language
- SPIRIT MATTERS is a weekly column that examines experiences common to the human spirit. Contact Jerrilyn Zavada at jzblue33@yahoo.com to share how you engage your spirit in your life and community.