LocalLit book review: 'Politically Correct Bedtime Stories' by James Finn Garner

When I decide to make "Politically Correct Bedtime Stories" by James Finn Garner of Chicago my weekend read, how could I have known the direction the weekend might go?

And yet, I felt that with all challenges that's marked 2020 thus far, an opportunity to laugh a bit and take life less seriously might help refresh us for the coming days.

So without further commentary from me, I'll let Garner's book speak for itself. Below are snippets from his little book of reworkings of traditional fairy tales.

"Little Red Riding Hood:" Then, unhampered by rigid, traditionalist, notions of what was masculine or feminine, he [the wolf] put on Grandma's nightclothes and crawled into bed."

"The Emperor's New Clothes:" He [the emperor} was flattered by the fascist and testosterone-heavy idea that the the empire and its inhabitants existed only to make him look good. It would be like having a trophy wife and multiplying that feeling by 100,000.

"The Three Little Pigs:" Where the house of sticks had stood, the other wolves built a time-share resort complex for holidaying wolves, with each unit a fiberglass reconstruction of the house of sticks, as well as native curio shops, snorkeling, and dolphin shows."

"Rumpelstiltskin: "If only I could get my daughter to marry a rich man," he mused in an archaic and sexist way, "she'll be fulfilled and I'll never have to work another day again."

"The Three Co-Dependent Goats Gruff:" When summertime came, they would travel up the mountainside to where the pasture was sweeter. This way, they did not overgraze their valley and kept their ecological footprints as small as possible.

"Rapunzel:" When the price saw Rapunzel, her greater-than-average physical attractiveness and her long, luxurious hair led him to think, in a typical lookist way, that her personality would also be beautiful. (This is not to imply that all princes judge people solely on their appearance, nor to deny this particular price the right to make such assumptions,).

"Cinderella:" She was dressed in a clinging gown woven of silk from unsuspecting silk worms. Her hair was festooned with pearls plundered from hard-working, defenseless oysters.

"Goldilocks": One day in their little anthropomorphic cottage, they sat down to breakfast. Papa Bear had made big bowls of all-natural porridge for them to eat. But straight off the stove, the porridge was too thermally enhanced to eat.

"Snow White:" "We are known as the Seven Towering Giants...we're dedicated stewards of the earth and live here in harmony with nature. To make ends meat, we also conduct retreats for men who need to get in touch with their primitive masculine identities."

"Chicken Little:" So when she screamed, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling," her conclusion was not wrong or or stupid or silly, just logically under-enhanced.

"The Frog Prince:" "My time was a frog was not wasted, you know. I've got to know every square inch of thees woods, and I think it would be ideal for an office/property share/resort complex."

"Jack and the Beanstalk;" On his way into town [to sell the cow], Jack met an old magic vegetarian who warned Jack of the danger of eating beef and dairy products.

"The Pied Piper of Hamlin:" Within [Hamlin} dwelled some of the most unregenerate and irredeemable people you could ever imagine - murderers of non-domestic animals, former clients of the correctional system and cross-country bikers.

"The Ducking That Was Judged on Its Personal Merits and Not on Its Physical Appearance:" The cosmetically challenged duckling organized her own competitions for the youngsters around. They competed in science fairs and photography contests, organized blood drives, and held soccer tournaments in which no one kept score and everyone was winner.

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