Oliver: Abusive relationships lack these key ingredients: love and respect

Every relationship has its ups and downs. However, good relationships can overcome the day-to-day problems that inevitably occur.

Good relationships are built on love and respect. That means not always demanding one’s way and yielding to the wishes of one’s partner. When we make a mistake, we apologize sincerely. We try to do better in the future.

Sadly, many people don’t have good relationships. Love and respect aren’t the foundation of their dealings with their significant others. Worse yet, in some relationships, instead of love and respect, there is a desire to control and degrade, to hurt and to belittle.

According to the Domestic Violence Awareness Project, one in four women and one in nine men experience intimate partner abuse, or domestic violence, in their lifetime in the United States. Such violence includes contact sexual violence, physical violence and/or stalking by an intimate partner.

Domestic violence doesn’t discriminate, either. It can happen to anyone, regardless of educational level, race or ethnicity, religion, marital status, age or sex. That means there’s a good chance that each of us knows someone who has been affected by domestic violence.

But how does a person know if they’re in an abusive relationship? After all, most people don’t start relationships with people that they know will do them harm. Abusive relationships don’t just happen suddenly; often the path to abuse is gradual.

However, there are some warning signs. They can be red flags that indicate a need to act. The following are from the National Domestic Violence Hotline.

· Telling you that you never do anything right.

· Showing extreme jealousy of your friends or time spent away.

· Preventing or discouraging you from spending time with others.

· Insulting, demeaning or shaming you, especially in front of others.

· Preventing you from making your own decisions.

· Controlling finances in the household without discussion. This might include taking your money or refusing to give you money for necessities.

· Pressuring you to have sex or perform sexual acts that you’re not comfortable with.

· Pressuring you to use drugs or alcohol.

· Intimidating you through looks or actions.

· Insulting your parenting or threatening to harm or take away your children or pets.

· Intimidating you with weapons.

· Destroying your belongings or your home.

Clearly, none of these things takes place in a healthy relationship. They certainly don’t happen on a regular basis.

Still, the natural tendency of most people is to forgive one’s significant other when they do things to us. We want to give them grace and to move on.

However, it is possible to go from giving someone grace to putting up with abuse. There is a line that can be crossed. If we continue to extend forgiveness, but the actions do not change and it keeps happening over and over again, then there’s a problem. We all need to know where our own line is.

Love and respect in a relationship means that the other person is going to genuinely try to fix the behavior. Someone who is more interested in control and abuse will not.

One of the things that we need to teach our children, particularly our girls, is that they must be willing to walk away from those who do not treat them with respect.

Love without respect is not love. No one has the right to make you feel unworthy. And no one has the right to hurt you.

If you find yourself in a situation that has become abusive, please know that there are people who want to help you. In McHenry County, Turning Point can be reached at 815-338-8081 by phone or text, as well as online chat at turnpt.org.

• Joan Oliver is the former Northwest Herald assistant news editor. She has been associated with the Northwest Herald since 1990. She can be reached at jolivercolumn@gmail.com.