Oliver: Mystery webs around house lead to all-out ‘war’ between spider, human

If you look up the word “arachnophobe,” you just might see a picture of me. It would either be a photo of me waving with a sheepish grin to acknowledge my terror, or it would be one of me screaming with my hands on my cheeks, a la 1950s horror movies.

I’m not a fan of spiders.

I understand that even though I’m not a very big human, I’m still a lot larger than the everyday spider. I recognize that they serve a purpose in the ecosystem.

Still, my track record with them has not been good. My modus operandi of killing them with extreme prejudice has led to a lot of dead spiders and a few notable injuries to me.

It also seems that every time I decide that I’m going to go back to the “live and let live” spirit that I employed as a child, something always happens.

Back in college, I was bitten by something in my sleep that caused my hand to swell up. Then I got woozy and slept for 36 straight hours. Maybe it was a spider or maybe it was something else, but I’m sure you know what I blame.

A dear friend of mine recently had an unfortunate encounter with a brown recluse spider while she was visiting a mutual friend in Indiana. The brown recluse is one of the venomous ones.

My friend was in a lot of pain and got quite sick, mainly because she didn’t realize it was a spider bite right away and waited to be treated.

This summer has been a particularly bad one at the Oliver homestead for spiders. I’ve lost count of the different sizes and types of arachnids that I’ve spotted and dispatched.

Granted, I live in a very old house, but I can’t seem to shake the feeling that the spider population might be out to get me. All the cobwebs that seem to be everywhere may have something to do with that.

For instance, when I was getting an estimate for adding some insulation to our attic, the guy who climbed up there said that it looked like a horror movie with all the cobwebs. I laughed a nervous laugh because I have never, ever been up there and, well, the thought of all those spiders above my head was not very comforting.

Then there’s the “war” I’ve been having with one spider that’s been going on for weeks.

I’ve never seen my foe, but the skirmishes began when I noticed a funnel-type web below the mailbox on the side of our house. It was level with the stoop, so I figured it wouldn’t be that big of a deal.

Then the spider decided to create a second level essentially right where I reach across to get my mail.

Well, that wasn’t going to work, so I grabbed a broom and knocked down its handiwork.

Lo and behold, the very next day, the web was back. This has gone on several times. Maybe there’s a picture of the spider under the entry for “persistence.”

I envisioned that this spider probably was small, and that it wasn’t anything to get too worked up about. How wrong I was.

About the same time, I noticed something strange near my back door. I saw some webs coming from the top of the doorframe and looping around the string one pulls to turn on the light on the landing. I knocked that down and went on with my day.

A couple of days later, my gardener friend and I were walking around my house, and I just about lost it when I saw two giant funnel webs right above the back door. My friend assured me that all I had to do was knock them down and it would be fine.

Imagine my surprise when I did just that and spotted the spider as it was falling near me.

This was no tiny spider, but one of those huge, fat-bodied ones that haunt my nightmares. I very nearly fell backward off the stoop in my haste to get away from it.

So far, that one hasn’t tried to rebuild its kingdom, but now that I know what it looks like, I feel like I’m taking my life into my hands every time I try to get the mail.

Like I said, I’m terrified of spiders. And now I’m pretty sure they really are out to get me.

Or at least that’s what my irrational fear is telling me.

• Joan Oliver is the former Northwest Herald assistant news editor. She has been associated with the Northwest Herald since 1990. She can be reached at jolivercolumn@gmail.com.