There’s a friend of mine, Mark Fitzgerald in Mendota, that used the phrase “million-dollar invention.” And he was describing that idea that you had — you know that thing, that sudden idea? — the idea for an invention that would REALLY WORK! Was COOL! And, heck yeah!, had a genuinely LUCRATIVE appeal — boxes of cash!
He wouldn’t tell me his.
I wouldn’t tell him mine.
But we had a good time talking about what we’d do with all the money! Dream houses, weird vacations, sports gear, trips to the mountain, horses, sailboats, cars, wine, women and song ... Kind of like being a lottery winner but better — you get credit for actually DOING something.
I’ve had ideas pop in my head that might make a profit.
As a kid, I was excited. I had a great idea — a great idea — and one that would really help my mother. I love my mother. Great to help her. My dream machine was sketched out, pencil on paper, and all the angles. Pencil, not crayon. I wanted to invent a machine that could BY ITSELF WASH DISHES! What a great idea! What a Good Son! What a Helpful Boy! Sure to get me some pats on the head. But I showed it to her and found out pretty quickly I couldn’t compete with Mr. Whirlpool.
I’ve had other brainstorms since then. Like glow-in-the-dark paper, so you could write out your late-night thoughts. And my favorite — Electric Paint. Just spread this stuff on your walls, throw a charge through it, and dial in the exact shade of Shocking Violet or Passion Pink you like. There are millions of shades of beige! Or just do white. Change it next week if you’d like.
One great million-dollar idea is “Box of the Month.” It’s an annual subscription to receive monthly shipments of stuff. Just stuff. We have NO IDEA what we’re shipping. You have NO IDEA of what you’re getting. You just get SOMETHING. You get STUFF. I figure there are lots of people who have everything they need — but you STILL have to buy them a present. THIS way, they get presents and they get STUFF!
Another great idea is “Moms Who Party!” You get a bartender and a babysitter. You set up a portable bar in one Mom’s backyard. She invites her friends over for a few, or several or even lots more nice, mixed drinks. The bartender can make’em plenty fancy. Little umbrellas. Maraschino cherries. The works. The kids get watched by pros and have a “play date,” with a good time playing games and running around, while the moms sit back and socialize with a nice cold drink. There’s a lot to be said for this. It’s a win-win-win to the bank.
Finally, there’s one last one idea I’m still tempted to try — ”Leo’s Lemonade.” You know about those expensive, high-end, locally-made, gourmet soda pops? I first thought “Leo’s Lemonade” might grab the million-dollar lemonade niche — a tasty lemonade with a fancy label and a high price tag — but that’s been long gone.
The king of them all, though, is the Pet Rock. Always will be. My brother had one and it was good company for him. That kind of thing costs next to nothing. Sell a million of them and go retire to a ranch in Colorado. Or Florida: now we’re talkin’ deep suntan, a huge sailboat, scuba diving, spearfishing, the beach — talkin’ Boca, baby!!!
- Todd Volker lives in Ottawa with his wife and son, and they enjoy reading, kayaking, hiking, tennis and camping. He’s a lifelong learner with books in his hands.