We all need to learn how to argue.
And we do need to argue. I mean yell at each other. Especially if we care about each other.
I’m not talking about debates, a point and counterpoint, civilized dialogue. (Or uncivilized dialogues, i.e. politics.)
I’m talking about in-your-face, nose-to-nose, heated, shouting arguments. Between people who know and care about each other.
OK, relax. I am not talking about physical abuse. Those are not relationships between two people who love each other.
I am not qualified to teach Psychology 101. So let me be clear. I’m only reflecting on many years of marriage and complicated family relationships, and years as a manager of others.
Looking back I can say a good yelling match was healing ... or at least, revealing, which leads to understanding.
(My advice to the newly married: learn how to listen to each other, and every now and then have a really good shouting match.)
If you go online you will find experts and many books on the subject of how to argue. Go there if you want, but let me throw out these words of wisdom that I grabbed:
How to Fight In a Relationship:
1. Choose Your Words Carefully.
2. Look at Things From Their Point of View.
3. Listen With an Open Mind.
4. Make Requests Instead of Complaints.
5. Give Each Other Enough Time to Speak.
6. Fighting Is a Sign That You Both Care About Your Relationship.
7. It Strengthens Your Relationship.
Uh, those last two points? Now that’s what I’m talking about.
But those others points, well ... yes, it’s all good advice. Great advice. But useless advice.
Oops. I didn’t mean for that to pop out. It just feels like useless advice when you are angry. I mean, who chooses their words carefully when they are fuming angry?
When people get angry with a loved one, that’s when they pull out the usual arsenal, the stuff they know will prick and punch.
“You only hurt the ones you love.” Now ain’t that the truth. We know just where to poke the people close to us.
That’s something to remember after the yelling, when you’re cooling down. That’s when you check that list of advice.
Don’t dwell on what your partner was spewing at you. Try to understand there is more going on than whatever you are arguing about.
I’m thinking about all this because the world is full of tension, so much that it’s seeping into our daily lives, our friendships, our families. Our backs are against a wall and we’ve become claws-out defensive.
Unexpressed feelings become baggage we carry around everywhere, and it gets heavy.
Generally, people don’t see our baggage. And we like it that way. (“Hi, how are you?” “I’m fine. How are you?”)
But at some point that baggage begins to spill into how we act and treat others. The frequent clue is when a loved one snaps at you, and you respond carefully: “Well, someone got up on the wrong side of the bed today.”
Or not so carefully: “What the hey is wrong with you?”
Whatever the spark, arguments flare. And they are painful. Words wound. They leave bruises, maybe scars when they are flung as weapons. And they are hard to forget and forgive.
To find meaning in arguments, think less about what you heard and more about what you said. And didn’t say. If both sides do that it will be easier to deal with the real question: What are we really angry about?
That’s not always easy to answer. But it’s important to try.
My thesis here is not that loved ones should argue more. If you argue too frequently, that’s a problem. But if you do not argue at all, then perhaps you are not communicating what you care about … or at all. (Note: Arguing does not have to include yelling.)
This is not easy. And I do not practice as much as I preach here. I could and should do better.
I have learned that after the fighting flames out, it helps to share a few simple words.
“I’m sorry. Let’s talk.”
And then really listen.
• Lonny Cain, retired managing editor of The Times in Ottawa, also was a reporter for The Herald-News in Joliet in the 1970s. Email lonnyjcain@gmail.com or mail The Times, 110 W. Jefferson St., Ottawa, IL 61350.