Toby Moore: Venting only carves path deeper

We’ve all done it. Something goes wrong – a bad day at work, a fight with a friend – and the words come pouring out. Complaining can feel like a relief. But what if science says it’s not helping at all?

Your brain is like a hiking trail. Every time you walk the same path, it gets easier to find – and harder to avoid. Venting carves that path deeper. The more you fixate on what went wrong, the more your brain learns to return to that place.

Your brain can learn both positive and negative habits. And the more you replay either one, the more your mind is trained to stay in that state. So when you constantly focus on the negative – by venting, complaining or reliving what went wrong – you’re teaching your brain to live there. To expect it. To look for it. Constantly hiking that trail, so to speak.

When you vent without seeking a solution, your brain starts to believe the problem is bigger – and that you’re smaller. Over time, you’re not just describing the struggle; you’re training your mind to feel powerless in the face of it. Complaining becomes less about release and more about rehearsal. Conditioning yourself for failure.

Contrary to popular belief, expressing anger without resolution doesn’t release emotion – it amplifies it. It’s like turning up the volume without changing the song. Each time you vent, your brain thinks the threat is still happening, flooding your body with stress and keeping your nervous system in a state of fight-or-flight.

The more you relive the stress, the more your system stays on high alert. Not because of what happened, but because you won’t stop replaying it.

It’s hurting your relationships. It turns conversations into dumping grounds, leaving listeners feeling drained or helpless, especially when they feel unable to make a difference. In trying to release stress, we end up spreading it.

When grumbling becomes the main event, connection takes a back seat. Instead of a conversation, it’s a monologue. The listener can’t help, and you both walk away less happy.

Conventional wisdom taught us that voicing our struggles helps us “get it all out,” but research suggests otherwise. Studies show that it doesn’t create clarity – it creates confusion. Instead of moving toward resolution, we circle around blame, frustration and helplessness. This kind of repetitive negativity dampens our brain’s ability to plan, prioritize and think creatively.

Complaining aimlessly doesn’t unlock solutions – it shuts them down. The mind can’t design solutions while it’s stuck in survival mode.

Emotions are contagious. When we grumble, we’re not just expressing – we’re transmitting. Cortisol (your body’s stress hormone) doesn’t just stay in your bloodstream; it causes others to produce stress hormones, too. Dysregulating not just your nervous system but everyone else’s as well. What feels like a release at the moment can leave others feeling anxious, irritable or exhausted, and you even more out of sync.

Sadly, every time you vent, voice your pain, your wounds, your “stuckness” – you strengthen the story that you are those things. Instead of helping your brain process the experience and move forward, constantly venting blends your identity with the version of you that’s still hurting.

Over time, that repeated focus doesn’t lead to healing – it leads to entanglement. You stop being someone who had a challenging experience and start becoming someone who is the experience.

Sure, complaining can feel good, for a second, like a steam valve hissing open. But long-term relief doesn’t come from circling the same complaints. It comes from breaking the loop. From reflection. From pattern interruption. From choosing to move forward, even when your feelings are still catching up.

So, the next time you feel the urge to vent, pause. Breathe. Ask yourself what you want – relief or repetition. The answer might change everything. The truth is that your brain is always listening.

Every word you speak shapes the path ahead. So talk like someone who’s going somewhere. Use words that push you forward, not hold you back. You’re not powerless –you’re learning, growing, becoming. You don’t need more drama. You need direction. You don’t need everything figured out – you need to stop looking back and start moving forward.

• Toby Moore is a Shaw Local News Network columnist, star of the Emmy-nominated film “A Separate Peace,” and CEO of CubeStream Inc. He can be reached at feedback@shawmedia.com.