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Oliver: Where spiders are concerned, this princess has learned to save herself

Former damsel in distress adjusts to changing circumstances by taking over arachnid duty

When it comes to spiders, I’ve always been a bit of a wimp.

Now before I irritate all of the gardeners out there, I think spiders are useful and beneficial when they are found in their natural environment, which is outside. When they enter my domain, all bets are off.

I tried a live-and-let-live policy when I was a kid. That, sadly, did not make it into adulthood.

I remember one particular incident that scarred me for life.

I was sitting on my bedroom floor and doing some homework. I must have been in high school. I looked across the room on the floor and there was a spider. I figured that he wasn’t bothering anything, so I’d just get on with what I was doing. A few minutes passed, and I felt something on my arm. To my horror, there was the spider, crawling on me!

My blood-curdling scream summoned everyone in the house. No doubt they believed that I was being murdered. Needless to say, they weren’t too happy when I told them that I was being attacked by a spider that was no bigger than a nickel.

Alas, for many years I didn’t have to fight these battles by myself. I was perfectly content to play the role of damsel in distress, not unlike Princess Buttercup in “The Princess Bride.” Tony, of course, was my Westley, and he was more than happy to take care of these spider invaders for me.

All I’d have to do was give him the look and point to whatever corner the spider was lurking, and he would handle it. “Dispatched,” he would say. It didn’t matter if the spider was big or small, he’d just take care of it. No wonder I love him so.

That’s not to say that I never handled the arachnid duty myself. It’s just that I would, in my terror, use a wee bit too much force. I believe the term is “extreme prejudice.” Tony didn’t like it when I’d hurt myself, so I often left the job to him.

Of course, these days he’s not really able to help. Or he might help, but with his Alzheimer’s disease, it would take a lot longer for him to understand what I wanted him to do.

So I’ve had to save myself, more in the line of Princess Leia from the “Star Wars” movies. She would just pick up a blaster and rescue herself.

I recently found myself trying the live-and-let-live strategy again. I noticed a medium-sized spider lurking in a corner near the ceiling of the bathroom. The ceilings are fairly high and I’m quite short, so I thought better of trying to go after it.

Still, I kept an eye on the spider every time I’d go in there. He didn’t move much, so I resigned myself to co-existence.

One recent night, though, I saw it scurry back up to the ceiling from the area around the sink. Now he was up above the light near the ceiling. Closer to me, but I could handle it, I told myself.

If you’ve ever seen the Far Side cartoon where the spiders have spun a web across the bottom of a children’s slide and say to each other, “If we pull this off, we’ll eat like kings,” as a kid gets ready to slide, then you know how I think spiders view me.

The next thing I know, that spider in the bathroom was dropping down, right past my face as I brushed my teeth.

This was a direct act of aggression in my book. Sorry, bub, but you should have stayed where you were. I found him on the floor behind the toilet. That was that for him, no screaming required.

I’ve also found myself having to “save” Tony from spider invaders. I’m not even sure Tony saw the fairly good-sized arachnid that was perilously close to his head in the downstairs bathroom recently. I just took care of that one, too.

I suppose I prefer those days when Tony handled this job. However, I find I do what I need to do.

When I start to get squeamish, I just remind myself: Toughen up, Buttercup.

Joan Oliver is the former Northwest Herald assistant news editor. She has been associated with the Northwest Herald since 1990. She can be reached at jolivercolumn@gmail.com.

Joan Oliver

Joan Oliver

A 30-year newspaper veteran who has been a copy editor, front-page editor, presentation editor, assistant news editor and publication editor, as well as a columnist and host of an online newspaper newscast.